Stop Chasing Validation – Start Giving It to Yourself
For most of my life, I’ve wrestled with a quiet but powerful habit: needing other people to validate me before I could feel at peace with myself.
It’s not hard to see where it started. Many of us grew up in environments—especially school systems—built around rules, grades, and gold stars. The unspoken message was: If you do well, others will approve. If others approve, you’ve done well. That feedback loop can wire the brain to constantly scan for outside confirmation before deciding we’re “good enough.”
The tricky part is, this doesn’t just vanish in adulthood. It shows up in workplaces, friendships, and relationships. It shows up in conversations when someone disagrees or goes silent. And for me, it was exhausting.
Why We Crave Validation
From a neuroscience perspective, validation lights up the brain’s reward pathways—specifically areas tied to dopamine release, like the ventral striatum. When someone nods in agreement or praises us, the brain interprets that as social safety. Humans are wired for connection; our survival once depended on belonging to a group. Being “approved of” felt like protection.
But here’s the catch: the more we depend on external validation to feel secure, the less we build our own internal sense of worth. Psychologists call this external locus of control—when our emotional state is driven by outside forces instead of our own inner compass. The longer we operate this way, the more our self-esteem becomes vulnerable to other people’s moods, biases, and limitations.
Therapy Helped… But Not in the Way I Expected
When I went to therapy, my therapist would often say, “You need to learn how to validate yourself.” I understood the concept, but it felt abstract.
How exactly do you do that? Especially when, in the moment, every cell in your body wants to keep talking until the other person finally says, “Yes, you’re right” or “I see what you mean”?
I realized that no one could hand me a ready-made toolkit—especially if they hadn’t faced this specific challenge themselves. The truth is, some skills you have to assemble piece by piece, through trial, error, and self-observation.
My Self-Validation Breakthrough
One of my biggest shifts came when I noticed a pattern: in heated or emotional conversations, if the other person shut down—maybe they picked up their phone, changed the subject, or simply walked away—I would feel an urgent need to “finish” the conversation so they understood me.
That urgency wasn’t really about the topic. It was about my brain craving closure in the form of their validation.
Now, instead of pushing forward, I do something radically different: I pause.
I take a mental step back and, in my own mind, replay what I said.
I ask myself:
Was I honest about my feelings?
Did I express myself clearly and respectfully?
If the answer is yes, I give myself the acknowledgment I used to chase from others: You said what you needed to say. You showed up for yourself.
This internal check-in is a small act, but it’s powerful. It’s me building an internal locus of control—reminding my nervous system that my worth isn’t contingent on someone else’s reaction.
The Science of Self-Validation
Self-validation isn’t just a “feel-good” idea—it has measurable effects on emotional regulation. Studies in affective neuroscience show that when we acknowledge our own experiences without judgment, we reduce amygdala reactivity (the brain’s threat detection center). This helps shift us out of fight-or-flight and into a more balanced, problem-solving state.
In other words, when you give yourself credit, your body receives the same calming signal it might get from external praise—but now, you’re in control of delivering it.
Over time, this practice builds resilience. Instead of being thrown off course by every criticism, dismissal, or misunderstanding, you carry an anchor with you.
A Gentle Reminder
Self-validation doesn’t mean you never consider feedback or repair relationships. It means you stop outsourcing your sense of worth. You can still care about other people’s perspectives without needing them to confirm yours before you feel okay.
When you stop chasing validation, you free yourself to speak, act, and create from a place of grounded confidence—not from a need to be “proven right.”
An Invitation
If you’ve struggled with needing other people’s approval, I invite you to try this:
Next time someone cuts a conversation short or shuts you down, resist the urge to chase their acknowledgment. Instead, pause, review your own words, and validate yourself.
Then notice what happens to your energy. Notice if you feel calmer, steadier, or more in control. That’s the muscle of self-validation growing stronger.
💬 I’d love to hear your experience. Have you learned to validate yourself, or is it something you’re still working on? Share below or send me a message.
And if you’d like personal guidance on building emotional resilience, you can book a virtual 1:1 session with me.
With Love,
Jeri
